Facing your fire deamons.

I was just reading a blog from a woman who was telling us how Moana the movie struck her in the depths of helaing from childhood sexual abuse. She states

"Back to that four-year-old little girl. To tell her that what happened to her does not change who she is. To sit in that pain for the first time in 27 years. I cannot turn away. I must approach the monster, touch its face, and tell it the truth. May I be as brave as Moana as I face what is part of me, but does not define me."

I am now at a place where I am peeling away jobs that have allowed me to run away from my divorce and the pain inside me. Don't get me wrong, that pain creeps in, in ways I can not describe. But for the most part I have not let myself feel the true pain of everything "stolen" and ultimately lost in my marriage.

My marriage "stole" from me my innocence and my dreams. I feel betrayed on levels that scare me, for if I let myself feel the pain of so many betrayals, I may become someone I don't want to be.

You see I dreamed of a family that would be led by a worth priesthood holder, willing to lead our forever family. That happened at times, but so many of those times were short lived.

I dreamed of someone who could help me in becoming better, but ended up with someone who pointed out every flaw I had on a consistent basis. And, and in a last sentence to our counselor Julie, stated "She's right, she was never good enough". I still choose to believe he was reacting to me stating to Julie that I never felt good enough, but she told me I was wrong in that assumption. I can't get my head around Jack being that cruel, even in his final moments with me.

Jack stole the dream of serving a mission with him, playing with our grandchildren together, and ultimately becoming an eternal family. He did this in small increments over many years.

But, back to Moana. I want to be someone who is not defined by the pain of this life, but by the things I learn and grow from. I want to be that young girl who believes in a forever after. I do not have to be defined by the fires of my life, but I can only escape them through confronting them, and calling them out for what they are. Only then will the truth of this situation play out, and the healing of my heart begin.