Communication.

I found myself today looking for quotes on self worth.  Connie had talked about the difference between self esteem and self worth and it has been on my mind a lot this week.

As I looked through them, I realized I am still trying to tell Jack he was wrong….to teach him indirectly.  I felt so bad about my relationship with him but I couldn’t say it to him.  There were times I cried myself to sleep because I missed the man I fell in love with.  I couldn’t find him anywhere.

I fell into this habit of communicating with Jack by trying to get a point across without getting to the point directly.  I would “sneak” ideas about him or our relationship into other conversations in hopes that he would “get the hint” and apply them to our life.

Today I realized I needed to concentrate on me and what I was learning. It was never about proving to him he was “wrong”.  It was all about me trying to say I was hurt and I wanted better from us.  I wanted to feel wanted.  I wanted to not be afraid of loving him.

I hurt deeply to know that pride is the downfall of our marriage.  Not just Jack’s but mine. Our communication skills were dismal at best sometimes.  I am just beginning to see the damage I did, and I don’t know if I even see that without some denial.

When our marriage was doing well, I felt safe in his arms.  I felt protected.  My favorite place was in his arms, head tucked under his chin.

When our marriage was doing well, I considered him my best friend.  I felt like he cared about what I was saying.  It wasn’t very often for most of our marriage, but lately that feeling was there.

When our marriage was doing well, I could tell him anything and not feel judged.

When our marriage was doing well, I felt free to do the “happy dance” in the kitchen, to laugh, and to be the “princess”.  I often said that I didn’t want to be a queen because she had too much responsibility.  I was trying to tell him was that I wanted to have fun, and i wanted it to be with him.

When our marriage was doing well, I loved the thought of eternity.  I felt like we were a team, and a good one at that.  Our life wasn’t a side note to his life.  It felt wonderful.

Those are the things I wish I had conveyed more often to him directly. Those are the things I began to focus on and open up to the possibilities.  Those are the things I saw our life together changing into the past three years.  Of course there were still hard moments, but on average I felt we were moving in the right direction. 

I hope to learn more about communicating love.  I want to do better with my future husband.  Best of all,  I have the geatest teacher of all…God.  With him nothing is impossible.