Being Willing to Bend

Sometimes you have to be brought to your knees. That's what is happening to me now.

I am a stubborn, pig-headed person...and my God knows that! He has given me trials that I have tried to get through, but ultimately become so weighed down by the emotional baggage they bring to my life. When I am weighed down, I stop thinking!

I have been dealing with so much drama in my head and my heart. I can't seem to, or won't, let go of the pain of my divorce. I continue to tell myself I am a failure. And worst of all it is now carrying over to my job as a teacher of 6 year olds.

My class this year is stressful beyond belief. I have been challenged by my God to learn who I really am. The problem is I have become a self critical, single woman. That's not just my marital state, but my heart's state. I find myself worried more about me, than anyone else. That has never been who I was, and I am not handling it well.

This divorce has forced me to bend to God's will of agency. Jack was given the agency to leave...and I am given the agency to be mad at God, when I should be mad at Jack. Sometimes agency stinks!

But with that agency, I am also allowed to learn to bend to God's will for me...his plan. It's something I have never done well. Bending requires faith...and right now, I think I am pretty low in that department. I have faith that He's real and watching. The problem is I also think of Him as being as critical of me as I am about myself. I HATE who I have become. I have no heart anymore and that worries me.

Bending requires strength of character...and I don't have that either. I am struggling in my "calling" as a 1st grade teacher, college teacher, mother and grandmother. Nothing seems to fit anymore. I seem to get angry for no good reason, other than I want it to be different that what's happening.

So why is it that I am fighting God about being molded into something different....because it's hard! It's hard to step back and ponder what someone else needs in a tense situation. It's hard to deal with so many disabilities in children that they bring a shadow on the brightness of a class. It's hard to see these children, who are struggling in life, for the beautifully broken children they are. It's hard to change their lives when I can't seem to change my own.

It's hard to give us all a little slack. Maybe by finally  bending, I can at least accomplish that much.