Rebuilding a life ...

I have thought a lot about what my life has been all about this past year.  I think it can be summed up in one word... Survival!

I have been at war with myself most of this past year.  I let someone else have the last word about me. Then I waged war on my self esteem, and my self worth.

Counseling has helped me see some of the things I tell myself.  I struggle with having to be perfect and knowing that I will fall short every day.  I know I can't be perfect, but I still live my life in the should haves, could haves, and would haves.  It's not a nice place to take up residence, trust me.

This past week I had to come to grips with Jack not just moving on, but replacing me.  I know he's moved on and hopefully rebuilt his life to be strong.

So what about me?  Because until Wednesday I still hoped for something that didn't come, I kept most things the same.  You know, like when your children leave for school, and you keep their rooms just as they were so it will remind you of them.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I took some steps into a new life, but not many.  I got a job, in fact two.  I changed colors on walls, and got rid of some items in my home.  All these things are superficial though.

The tough things require rebuilding.  They require a new mind set from someone who feels like she is losing her mind most days.  They require new adventures with a new spirit I am struggling to keep.  I know how to do things, but they just aren't in me...yet.  The dark is still a scary place.

So how do you rebuild when you are hanging on so tight to broken pieces?  That's what I will find out this year....one step at a time. Hopefully as I do I will let go of the broken pieces and take charge of the new me.

 I will first build a foundation of trust.  You know that thing that was destroyed a year ago.  I have found it so hard to trust,  you or me.  I have to change that first.  I am almost there.  Just a little more curing and it will be cemented in.

Then I need to dream.  I haven't done that for so long I don't even know what it looks like anymore.  With Julie's help I hope to start that soon too.

Then it will just take work and determination.

Rebuilding requires putting your hands, and heart. in the lord's hands knowing that everything will work out okay in the end.

I'm almost there too.